How I Got Over My Fear Of Dying.

Let me set the stage for you. I’m 21, in college, and laying in my shitty dorm room bed. It’s another sleepless night, and I can feel the seconds ticking away, hyper-aware of the fact that I have to wake up in only a few short hours. I turn over and tap my phone. It’s 1:30AM. I sigh and take in my surroundings.

In the dimness, the once familiar shapes of textbooks and heaps of clothing turn into ominous, looming figures. I close my eyes against what I hope is just my trash bin, but unfortunately the environment of my mind isn’t safe either.

Eyes shut, all bets are off. When my mind has nothing else to focus on, fear takes center stage. I am greeted by the image of an old woman shivering in a hospital bed. She is confused, in constant pain and close to death. I hate this story. It’s a repeat offender during sleepless nights.

I can’t talk about this without giving credit where credit is due: we are supposed to be afraid of death. It’s human nature and it is a healthy fear, but sometimes it can inch over into unhealthy territory. And when you are that afraid of something, it can feel very lonely. 🙁 Unfortunately, talking about death is pretty taboo.

Aside from the occasional viral internet video, I don’t talk about or encounter death on a regular basis. It makes people uncomfortable, almost like talking about it will spread death to them like some kind of infectious disease. And of course, it can be an extremely sensitive topic for some. But you have to admit, it’s a bit strange we don’t talk about it more, considering it’s something we all experience in our lives at some point. And maybe if we talked about it more, we’d be able to confront these fears head-on, instead of in our beds in the middle of the night.

Those nights seem very far away from me now. I haven’t lost sleep over the thought of dying in years. It wasn’t until recently that I was reminded of those painful nights. I was at a friend’s birthday party and she told me she actually hates celebrating her birthday because she’s positively terrified of getting older. Well, I knew exactly what she meant. I wish I had known someone else to confide in back when I was going through it, so in the spirit of sharing knowledge, let’s get into how I overcame my fear of death.

“Monkey-see, monkey-do,” is something I constantly remind myself of when I get into self-pity mode, and wonder “what is wrong with me!?” My mother has gone on tangents of her own about death throughout my life, and they have never been positive. My memories surrounding the topic of aging and death are riddled with my mother having me promise to pull her life support if she is ever with disease, and with her begging to never be put in a retirement home. Every time we see someone old just living their life out in public, I know a multitude of anxiety-induced pleas from my mother are coming. I’ve even heard my mom say if she was ever diagnosed with a horrible disease or was close to immobile, she would take her own life, quietly and alone.

She tells me these things nonchalantly. They are not nonchalant things to say, though. If you are like me, you are probably horrified to even read these things. This is not to shame her– parents are allowed to have their own fears and unresolved issues. But all of this meant growing up, I learned aging and dying was something to be feared and protested against. I learned to dread it, to hate talking about it, or even seeing it. If this sounds like you, welcome to the party.

Cue laying awake at night, when I cannot be distracted by screens, class, or conversation, my mind finally allowing deep fears to bubble to the surface. Without distraction, our minds can finally ask for help. I picture my brain giving me smoke signals, begging me to process and deal with my fears.

I recall a significant conversation I had with my father one day over the phone. I called him while I was in the car, just to catch up. At some point we got onto the topic of Alzheimer’s disease. I told him I was horrified by the idea of succumbing to that (it runs in our family). He pretty much shrugged it off, saying “Well, worry about that when you get there.”

It was a real-life example of the serenity prayer, something I now hear quite often.

I asked him if he was afraid of death, and, although very simple, I’ll never forget his response. He said, “No. We’ll all die one day, nothing we can do about that. And even if you do get some kind of disease, you may not even be fully aware of what is happening. There is probably much less suffering than you actually think.”

Obviously, my fear didn’t disappear overnight, but hearing those words helped. I familiarized myself with the notion that I had no control over certain things, so why contemplate how they were going to happen? Why plan for something I could never fully prepare for? As I learned to let go of my control over smaller things in my life, it became easier and easier to breathe through my anxiety surrounding the big things, like death.

If this advice seems pretty straight-forward, it’s not. We can all nod our heads and agree we need to let go of the things we can’t control, but when the iron is hot and you feel yourself starting to panic, it’s not so easy to say om.

Trying to let go only helps so much when you have a mind that is in overdrive. I mean, what if you genuinely can’t stop thinking about it? When I have a thought-loop like this, it can feel tortuous.Getting distance from the thought is a huge tactic that has helped me; aka not letting myself sit for too long unattended. Again, simple advice, but hard to implement.

Sometimes the best thing to do is drag yourself out of bed and go for a walk. Or make a cup of tea. Clean up your room. Journal. It’s cliche, but true: move a muscle, change a thought. You don’t need to distract yourself, but try not to stay stationary in bed.

If you like to pick apart your mind like me, there are introspective routes. I am not a therapist, but if I were going to recommend targeting the fear of dying, I would tell you to figure out what it is you are actually afraid of. You may be surprised, because it’s probably not death. Dig deeper: what aspect of death frightens you? Is it losing your appearance? Your mobility? Is it pain, or disease? Being alone? Maybe a combination of these things? Though slightly different, all of these fears point towards one major thing: loss of control. Is this starting to seem repetitive? 🙂

If you cannot control how you look, are you afraid people will value you less? Are you afraid you will value you less? Without mobility, are you worried you’ll be depressed? Are you scared you’ll lose touch with nature? With pain or disease, are you afraid your quality of life will decrease? Are you scared it will be too tough to bear? Are you worried of what your life may be like in solitude, perhaps even without a spouse?

When thinking through these things, it is important to keep a level head. Don’t allow the fear to swallow you. Give it loving attention. Be compassionate, and try to understand from a distance, as if you were talking a child through a fear of the monster in their closet. The child part is essential. You need distance from fear in order to look it square in the eyes. We need to give ourselves room to be afraid. Only then can we give ourselves room to comfort those fears.

We all wish we could plan out our lives to some degree. We want to determine which path our career will take, who will love us and how, where we will live, etc. So the idea that as we get older, we may begin to lose hold on what happens when, and how, can be scary.

But even if we worry about it, nothing is going to change. Really sit with that for a minute.

Letting go of control is a practice. You will never be perfect at it, but the more you do it, the easier it will be. It makes life, and the scary things that inevitably come with it, more bearable.

As a dear friend often reminds me, you can’t control anything in your life, even the things you think you can. Good times are as fleeting as bad times, and we’ve got to learn how to roll with the punches.

If you'd like to learn more, I'd recommend listening to this incredible podcast episode by How To!

Let me know if you are going to try any of these tactics, or if you have your own. Hope you are all staying well out there.

Xx, Renee