What The Hell is an "Energy Vampire"?

I keep people around that I shouldn't. According to my therapist, I am a people-pleaser. She says a lot of people are, and that I probably picked it up during my childhood.

She told me this so nonchalantly but it kind of blew my mind. It had me thinking back to my childhood; and I remembered how I always felt caught in the middle. My home life involved a lot of fighting. And not normal fights either – detrimental ones; ones you don’t recover from. So I adapted. My goal was always to avoid conflict. I broke up fights, initiated resolutions, and served as a protector when I needed to. Unfortunately, I’ve carried this “peace-keeper” tendency with me into my adult life, making it difficult to end relationships when I need to.

My sister and I used to joke with each other that I had a magnet for weirdos. I somehow always befriended people who were annoying, socially awkward, and/or didn’t understand boundaries. Like I said earlier, I don’t do conflict, so whenever I sensed someone was being ostracized, I tried to “save” them and bring them under my wing. This isn’t as heroic and kind as it sounds because spoiler alert: sometimes people are ostracized for good reasons. If you’re an asshole, you aren’t going to have friends, period.

For example, I shouldn’t have to tell someone not to yell at me in a Chili’s because I have to leave my own going-away party 20 minutes earlier than I had originally anticipated. I shouldn’t have to tell a friend several times that I don’t want to kiss them. I shouldn’t have to invite someone to everything or else they will get upset with me. These are just a few examples of my boundaries being violated in ways that were inexcusable the first time, let alone the second or third.

Anytime these "friends" did something unkind, my peacekeeper self ran center stage and either forgave them or said nothing. I put up with unacceptable behavior for so long that when I finally worked up the nerve to actually speak up for myself, it resulted in explosive fights (the very thing I was working so hard to avoid).

My therapist knows this cycle well, and we actually have a whole category label for friends like this. We call them “Energy Vampires.” 🧛 They’re people who are totally incompatible with you and suck your energy away. You’ll know when someone is an Energy Vampire if every single time you hang out with them you feel emotionally exhausted afterwards, or much less in tune with your true self. They will ask you for things all of the time, not take hints, and will always have a million problems that they need your help solving. If a friendship is good, more often than not you should walk away feeling refreshed, respected, safe, and loved. A true friend would never try to pressure you or manipulate you into doing something.

Every time I thought I was going to finally end a relationship with an Energy Vampire, they came to the battle with their best love-bombs equipped. Love-bombing is when someone showers you with love, compliments, gifts, etc. to show you that they love you or they’re sorry, but it is usually over-the-top and makes you feel really guilty/unworthy of them. Whenever this happened, I would think that my negative feelings were an over-reaction, and that it would be a shame to lose a friend like them. But then they would violate my boundaries again, and again, and again. Over time it became exhausting, and I felt it tainting the friendship beyond repair.

After I got sober in 2022, I was finally ready to let go of a few friendships that I had kept around for way too long. Just like alcohol, I felt like I was clinging onto an unhealthy coping mechanism, and I needed to look my conflict avoidance right in the eyes. Growth is seldom comfortable, and occasionally comes with pissing people off. I knew setting boundaries with the Energy Vampires in my life was going to be really difficult, but also, it was about damn time.

I took my time with it, because even though I was determined, I was still scared.

First I kinda ghosted them. I hated doing that, it made me so incredibly anxious every time I thought about it. The plus side was that when I wasn’t thinking about them, my day-to-day life was a lot more calm. I felt more stable. More happy. More sure of myself. I wasn’t always on edge, trying to deal with emotional catastrophes or trying to appease someone else. It felt like I was living life for me. There was a lot less shame and guilt and a lot more room for personal projects.

After a lot of thinking, journaling, and therapy, I finally worked up the nerve to speak my truth. The distance I’d put between my "friends" and I allowed me to see what my life could look like without those people in my life. And it turns out I was doing ok, great even! Now I just needed to actually talk to them about how I felt. I definitely dragged my feet on doing that, but life can be funny sometimes. Almost as if I manifested it, the opportunity fell right into my lap.

The first Energy Vampire reached out to me in a fury, angry that I hadn’t spoken to them in a while, calling me toxic and cruel. I took a deep breath (and read over my message 10 times) before texting them back. I told them that they simply disturb my peace, and I didn’t think the friendship was productive. We haven’t spoken since.

It wasn’t as cool and gratifying as it sounds. I cried afterwards. Even though my future self was cheering me on, my inner child was sobbing in the corner, afraid she just made a horrible mistake. But after speaking to some of the support beams in my life, I came out strong and sure of myself. And I am so happy I let go of that negative energy. I feel so much more aligned with my true values now that I am not trying to worry about someone else so often.

The second Energy Vampire I haven’t formally addressed yet. But, almost like magic, life is giving me the opportunity, so I am going to answer the call. She conveniently reached out with a very long message about missing me, so I think it’s time to break the ice and let her know it’s not going to happen. This is the friend who coerced me against my will into a lot of sexual situations. Wish me luck.

The third person I was able to construct a better future with. I am as surprised as you probably are. But hear me out -- even though this Energy Vampire has a tendency to cross my boundaries, a big part of the problem is that I freely let them. So, after a hiatus in our friendship, we are entering a new phase of our relationship where I am doing a lot of work to set boundaries, and she is doing a lot of work to respect them. We’ll see how it goes, but I have high hopes.

Living as a people pleaser can be a pain in the ass, and get in the way of keeping healthy friends and family around. But it’s time to change the narrative. If you can make others respect your boundaries right off the bat (use your metaphorical garlic to protect yourself), you won’t have to go through tough conversations like the ones I mentioned above. If someone is bothering you, don’t answer their text, block them, or tell them to screw off! It’s a lot easier said than done, but the payoff is huge. After all, doesn't the legend say that a vampire can only come in if they are invited?

Hope the New Year is treating you well! Do you have any experiences with an Energy Vampire? How do you attract positive energy in your life? Looking forward to hearing from you.

Xx,

Renee