What The Hell is an "Energy Vampire"?

I keep people around that I shouldn't. According to my therapist, I am a people-pleaser. She says a lot of people are, and that I probably picked it up during my childhood.

She told me this so nonchalantly but it kind of blew my mind. It had me thinking back to my childhood; and I remembered how I always felt caught in the middle. My home life involved a lot of fighting. And not normal fights either – detrimental ones; ones you don’t recover from. So I adapted. My goal was always to avoid conflict. I broke up fights, initiated resolutions, and served as a protector when I needed to. Unfortunately, I’ve carried this “peace-keeper” tendency with me into my adult life, making it difficult to end relationships when I need to.

My sister and I used to joke with each other that I had a magnet for weirdos. I somehow always befriended people who were annoying, socially awkward, and/or didn’t understand boundaries. Like I said earlier, I don’t do conflict, so whenever I sensed someone was being ostracized, I tried to “save” them and bring them under my wing. This isn’t as heroic and kind as it sounds because spoiler alert: sometimes people are ostracized for good reasons. If you’re an asshole, you aren’t going to have friends, period.

For example, I shouldn’t have to tell someone not to yell at me in a Chili’s because I have to leave my own going-away party 20 minutes earlier than I had originally anticipated. I shouldn’t have to tell a friend several times that I don’t want to kiss them. I shouldn’t have to invite someone to everything or else they will get upset with me. These are just a few examples of my boundaries being violated in ways that were inexcusable the first time, let alone the second or third.

Anytime these "friends" did something unkind, my peacekeeper self ran center stage and either forgave them or said nothing. I put up with unacceptable behavior for so long that when I finally worked up the nerve to actually speak up for myself, it resulted in explosive fights (the very thing I was working so hard to avoid).

My therapist knows this cycle well, and we actually have a whole category label for friends like this. We call them “Energy Vampires.” 🧛 They’re people who are totally incompatible with you and suck your energy away. You’ll know when someone is an Energy Vampire if every single time you hang out with them you feel emotionally exhausted afterwards, or much less in tune with your true self. They will ask you for things all of the time, not take hints, and will always have a million problems that they need your help solving. If a friendship is good, more often than not you should walk away feeling refreshed, respected, safe, and loved. A true friend would never try to pressure you or manipulate you into doing something.

Every time I thought I was going to finally end a relationship with an Energy Vampire, they came to the battle with their best love-bombs equipped. Love-bombing is when someone showers you with love, compliments, gifts, etc. to show you that they love you or they’re sorry, but it is usually over-the-top and makes you feel really guilty/unworthy of them. Whenever this happened, I would think that my negative feelings were an over-reaction, and that it would be a shame to lose a friend like them. But then they would violate my boundaries again, and again, and again. Over time it became exhausting, and I felt it tainting the friendship beyond repair.

After I got sober in 2022, I was finally ready to let go of a few friendships that I had kept around for way too long. Just like alcohol, I felt like I was clinging onto an unhealthy coping mechanism, and I needed to look my conflict avoidance right in the eyes. Growth is seldom comfortable, and occasionally comes with pissing people off. I knew setting boundaries with the Energy Vampires in my life was going to be really difficult, but also, it was about damn time.

I took my time with it, because even though I was determined, I was still scared.

First I kinda ghosted them. I hated doing that, it made me so incredibly anxious every time I thought about it. The plus side was that when I wasn’t thinking about them, my day-to-day life was a lot more calm. I felt more stable. More happy. More sure of myself. I wasn’t always on edge, trying to deal with emotional catastrophes or trying to appease someone else. It felt like I was living life for me. There was a lot less shame and guilt and a lot more room for personal projects.

After a lot of thinking, journaling, and therapy, I finally worked up the nerve to speak my truth. The distance I’d put between my "friends" and I allowed me to see what my life could look like without those people in my life. And it turns out I was doing ok, great even! Now I just needed to actually talk to them about how I felt. I definitely dragged my feet on doing that, but life can be funny sometimes. Almost as if I manifested it, the opportunity fell right into my lap.

The first Energy Vampire reached out to me in a fury, angry that I hadn’t spoken to them in a while, calling me toxic and cruel. I took a deep breath (and read over my message 10 times) before texting them back. I told them that they simply disturb my peace, and I didn’t think the friendship was productive. We haven’t spoken since.

It wasn’t as cool and gratifying as it sounds. I cried afterwards. Even though my future self was cheering me on, my inner child was sobbing in the corner, afraid she just made a horrible mistake. But after speaking to some of the support beams in my life, I came out strong and sure of myself. And I am so happy I let go of that negative energy. I feel so much more aligned with my true values now that I am not trying to worry about someone else so often.

The second Energy Vampire I haven’t formally addressed yet. But, almost like magic, life is giving me the opportunity, so I am going to answer the call. She conveniently reached out with a very long message about missing me, so I think it’s time to break the ice and let her know it’s not going to happen. This is the friend who coerced me against my will into a lot of sexual situations. Wish me luck.

The third person I was able to construct a better future with. I am as surprised as you probably are. But hear me out -- even though this Energy Vampire has a tendency to cross my boundaries, a big part of the problem is that I freely let them. So, after a hiatus in our friendship, we are entering a new phase of our relationship where I am doing a lot of work to set boundaries, and she is doing a lot of work to respect them. We’ll see how it goes, but I have high hopes.

Living as a people pleaser can be a pain in the ass, and get in the way of keeping healthy friends and family around. But it’s time to change the narrative. If you can make others respect your boundaries right off the bat (use your metaphorical garlic to protect yourself), you won’t have to go through tough conversations like the ones I mentioned above. If someone is bothering you, don’t answer their text, block them, or tell them to screw off! It’s a lot easier said than done, but the payoff is huge. After all, doesn't the legend say that a vampire can only come in if they are invited?

Hope the New Year is treating you well! Do you have any experiences with an Energy Vampire? How do you attract positive energy in your life? Looking forward to hearing from you.

Xx,

Renee

Best Self-Help Books to Read in 2023

Hello friends, I hope the first week of the new year has been bringing you joy!

My partner and I have been going through huge life changes recently — we are currently moving to a new state as I type this. And I’ll begrudgingly admit that it is about time we leave Ithaca, NY. I have been here for 7 years, and I think it is time for a change. (But don't get me wrong, living in a place that has 150 waterfalls has been INCREDIBLE).

Our next destination is New Haven, CT, which I have heard very mixed reviews about— mostly negative. But everyone has a reason to hate cities, so I haven't been giving the negative opinions too much attention. I need to live the experience for myself.

We are moving tomorrow, which means that the last week has been a flurry of packing, organizing, cleaning, and occasionally burning out. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to write about this week and I kept having great ideas, but not ample time to write them out the way I would like to.

Thankfully I was struck with an idea as I was returning the last of my library books on Monday. This last return was bittersweet for me because I absolutely adore the Tompkins County Public Library, and I am going to miss it very much. They always have new and interesting books in stock, they have a piano you can practice on anytime, an art space where you can use a laser cutter and 3D printer, and you can even rent out things like wifi hot-spots and umbrellas. Because I live right down the road from the library, I spend a lot of time there! I mostly check out self-help books, because I love finding new ways to improve my life. So I thought that I would provide you with the best ones I have read. So without further ado, check out the top 3 self-help books that have completely changed my life!

1. Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke — 4/5 stars

Wow. I couldn’t put this book down. If you read this, you will never think about your habits the same way again, and that’s a good thing. This book helped push me into sobriety and has changed how I interact with social media. It will help you understand addictive behaviors and how we all have them (that’s right, even you). In a digital age where we are so accustomed to immediate gratification, I think we owe it to ourselves to understand the toll it is taking on our psyche. If I could make this book a mandatory read, I would. Lembke takes qualitative and quantitative science and mixes it with years of her own experience. Her writing is not only extremely engaging but also very accessible. Please consider putting this on your list of books to read in 2023!

2. Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty — 5/5 stars

The first time I heard Jay Shetty talk, I was blown away. I heard him on a podcast called “The School of Greatness” and everything that came out of his mouth blew my mind. It was as if someone was reading my inner thoughts and giving me advice on how to navigate my world. When I saw that his book had finally come out, I immediately bought it. And I suppose I have become a super-fan because I got a copy that he signed, LOL. Truth be told, I have never completely finished this book, because I always start over. It is filled to the BRIM with amazing advice, and I cannot stress this enough — your life will COMPLETLY CHANGE if you are willing to listen to what Shetty has to say. I could not praise this work enough, please run to the store or your local library and get this book!

3. My Money, My Way by Kumiko Love — 5/5 stars

Once I got sober, I finally decided to get my hands wet and start addressing the things that felt out of control in my life. The biggest and most frightening aspect of my life (that I had been avoiding for decades) was my finances. I would never look at my bank account and even the mention of my student loans would send me to tears. This book changed all of that. I followed Kumiko’s advice like it was the words of God himself, and it completely turned my relationship with money around. Now I have $5k saved when I used to barely be able to afford rent, and that happened in only 4 months. Her advice, while laborious at times, will put you on a path to success with your finances and make the whole concept of money much more approachable. I could not recommend this book enough for people trying to improve their finances.

If you decide to check these books out, let me know what you think. And if you have any book recommendations yourself, drop them in the comments! Currently, I am reading Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller. So far, so good, but I’ll let you know what I think once I’m finished.

Take it easy my loves, and Happy Friday!

Xx,

Renee

The Correct Way to Create New Year's Resolutions

2022 is coming to a close. Thank God for the first relatively normal year since the pandemic hit. The last 12 months brought me sobriety, a raise at work, and the start of sharing my anxiety journey with all of you. It was a big year for growth in all respects.

My therapist doesn’t like resolutions. She thinks it sets us up for failure. But personally, I love them. I am very goal-oriented and I love chipping away at something bit by bit over time. After setting a goal, you can’t just put it down and expect it to magically manifest. You have to have a plan. Because, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail (I sense this is going to be my 2023 motto).

Creating resolutions is an opportunity to plant a seed of what you want your future to look like, and take the first steps towards positive growth. As soon as December hit this year I began crafting my resolutions. My goals began super broad:

Renee’s 2023 Resolutions: 1. Stay sober 2. Get a new job 3. Pay off student debt

I stared at goals, knowing that I did want to achieve all of those things. But they were too broad and very open to interpretation. For example, I am not going to pay off all of my student debt within a year.

Getting a new job is also a bit vague. I know what I really want is a higher paying job, and one with retirement and health insurance benefits.

The trick is be more specific with your goals that way you can lay a proper foundation. Once I had my broad goals lined out, I expanded upon them and made them more specific. These are my resolutions as they currently stand:

Renee’s 2023 Resolutions: 1. Reach 1 year of sobriety from alcohol 2. Get a higher paying job with benefits in the next 6 months. 3. Pay off $1,500 of interest on my student debt.

I know that I can achieve every single one of those things in the next 365 days, and that makes me feel even more motivated than setting a grand, lofty goal.

I've provided some examples of time oriented, specific, achievable resolutions you can adopt that may improve your mental wellness in the new year:

•Find one new friend that is stable and caring (or devote more time to a friend you already have who is stable and caring) in the next 2 months.

•Tell your clients that you will not answer their emails after 5pm.

•Try to be sober for 3 months.

•Cut coffee out of your morning routine at least 2 days a week.

•Start doing yoga twice a week.

•Try to meditate for 5 minutes a day.

•Buy a journal and write in it once a week.

•Shut your phone off at 8pm every night.

As you come up with your own resolutions, remember to stay specific, keep them within reason, and make sure they are your goals. If you set a resolution that will completely upend your current routine and lifestyle, you are way more likely to give up on it. You need to be patient and slow with life style changes. This is why people go to the gym like crazy every January with new body goals in mind, but burn out and give up by February or March. Go easy on yourself, and if you slowly build a routine (for example, cutting coffee out of your morning for 2 days a week), it will become easier to achieve more progress over time (eventually you’ll be able to go the whole week without coffee).

Without diving into too much detail, this whole approach follows the SMART goals system. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. If you are interested in learning more about SMART goals, you can read about them here.

What are your New Year’s Resolutions? I would LOVE to hear them and I cannot wait to see what 2023 brings for all of us.

Stay safe out there :)

Xx,

Renee